I was struggling to think of a second idea for this weeks update, so imagine my relief when as I was trying to get to sleep after work last night I remembered about psychic panda. Unfortunately this idea kept me awake an extra hour, but I'm sure it'll be worth it.

The story is set in China (because that's where pandas are from, it'd be stupid if it were set in Australia), where a guy called Chi Lun Fat goes into the jungle area (the place where pandas live anyway). Here he meets a psychic panda by the name of Bill. "How does Chi know that the panda is psychic?" I hear you ask, well by an amazing coincidence Chi is also a psychic. No-one believes Chi has the power to read minds as he can only read the minds of small children and everyone knows children have only two thoughts (chocolate and crying to get more chocolate), therefore everyone thinks he is crazy (this also explains why he went into the jungle in the first place). Bill realises that Chi is a good bloke and agrees to join his travelling circus, which is made up of one act, a psychic panda. In his act the panda does tricks like guessing how many fingers someone is holding up and guessing what people are thinking by pointing at pictures, his act is a little limited as he is a panda and therefore can't speak. Word soon gets around and people are flocking from all over China to see this amazing panda, and soon Chi is a hero.

Naturally the evil US government hears of this amazing panda and want to use him as a spy (who'd suspect a panda in a military base?). They then kidnap Bill and take him away. But such is the bond that has developed between Chi and Bill, that Chi decides he has to rescue the panda in a predicament. "But how is one man going to take on the US government?", well you seem to be forgetting that Chi is semi-psychic himself and can read Bill's mind and so knows where he is, he also gets all the poor chinese villagers to help get him out of the place he has been taken (which is conveniently close to where Chi lives, as getting a planeload of poor Chinese villagers to America would be too expensive).

I don't think you need me to tell you how it ends, but I will anyway. Chi saves Bill and they live happily ever after. It's the ultimate man and animal buddy film!

Join the Psychic Panda fan club and receive nothing but the knowledge that you are in a fan club about a psychic panda!

 

I have an apology to make. The other week I said that people who collect for charity in town centres were the second worst kind of people there were. I was wrong, I forgot about old people.

The other day I was watching Countdown (see next week for a little more about this), when the ad breaks came on I was astounded at the number of adverts aimed at old people. One advertised a chair, it opened with the line "Do you have difficulty getting out of chairs?". No I don't, why don't ads that start like that actaully listen to me and go "Ah well, I'll leave you be then". Anyway the point I was trying to make was if you can't get out of a chair, simply don't get in one. I would imagine I would have difficulty getting out of wells, the simple solution that has worked all my life has been to not get in wells! If you can't get upstairs, buy a bungalow! Old people are so stupid. I wish they'd stop giving me dissaproving looks all the time. I hate that, they are also scared of me I think, every time I walk past the elderly (I think that I may be portrayed as ageist if I continue to refer to them as old people, what am I on about, I'm blatantly ageist) they seem to move as far as possible to the side of the pavement, there's no need, I'm a good person, honest!

I went to Tesco the other day and when I got home from a very stressful trip I looked back at my time and thought, "Those kids really annoy me" but then I realised that the kids had only mildly annoyed me and it was in fact old people who had annoyed me more (I found it hard to believe that anything could annoy me more than children aswell!). You see, kids know their limitations, or at least their parents do, and so you don't have (many) kids pushing trollies around, unfortunately old people don't have a sensible middle aged person to tell them they are too weak to push trollies. Therefore I would constantly get stuck behind an old woman trying desperately to control her runaway trolley. It seems that the elderly have difficulty making decisions aswell, I would often be forced to contort myself to get around an old person deciding whether to have medium sliced or thick sliced bread.

Old people say strange things. Can't think of any examples right now, but as a human being I'm sure you ahve encountered old people and their ridiculous comments. I hate having to talk louder to them so they can hear, why should they get special treatment? I don't talk loud to friends or family, so why them?

The worrying thing is that, apparently, we as a nation are getting older and therefore there will be a higher proportion of old people. But, looking on the bright side, there will be less kids! However I am worried as I am approaching one thirds old and so have only 40 years to prepare for the inevitable, oh dear!