I don't have anything against vegeterians as such, as people they'rre generally the same as everyone else, but like your racist uncle, they have a dark side. You could say (and I do) that vegeterianism is an eating disability. Consider this, someone with a real disability finds they can't do certain things, like walk or play on swings, people who are vegeterians can't eat meat. Also, we go out of our way to help people with real disabilities like building disabled ramps everywhere and giving them priority car park spaces. We also go out of our way to help vegeterians, by having a veggie option at restaurants (I think it's a law now).

Why are some people only half veggie? Either go all the way or not at all. A lot of so called veggies (note how I've switched to saying veggies as I'm not sure I'm spelling vegeterians right) will eat fish. Do they not realise that that is also a meat? I know of some who indulge in 'meat racism' and won't eat dark meat, but are perfectly happy eating white meat, how hypocritical is that? There is also apparently a distinction between vegeterian and vegan. I have no idea why as most veggies are against the treatment of animals, and products such as dairy and eggs are a product of animal mis-treatment (* I don't mean mis-treatment as you'll discover later). Therefore if people are so upset about animals being badly treated, why do they still drink milk, and eat chocolate?

Vegeterianism goes against nature. We as a arce are in the priviliged position of being top of the food chain. Why are these people not (ab)using this privilige? All animals can be divided into two sections: Tasty animals and non-tasty animals. Notice how the non-tasty animals tend to be those are carnivores and the tasty ones are all herbivores. Therefore I can conclude that not eating meat makes your flesh taste nicer. So when the super-predator (see a previous peice about evolution) or vampires come, veggies will be the first to be eaten! Why don't they prepare themselves for this inevitability? Also notice how the herbivores (sorry, tasty animals) are absolutely useless and couldn't hunt if they tried. I'm sure cows would eat chickens, but they can't catch them. Remember Jurassic Park? I bet you do, what was your favourite dinosaur? I bet it was a carnivourour one, like a raptor or the T-Rex. From this I can conclude that eating meat makes you exciting and more attractive (possibly, I don't think anyone was physically attracted to the raptors in JP, but it made people sit up and take note). Also, eating meat makes people scared of you. Witness this. Are you scared of bears? Now, what about pandas? See?

We're doing a favour to animals by eating them. Trust me. Consider the story of Jess and Jim, two cows. Jess is a wild cow and Jim is one bred in captivity to be eaten and milked.

Jess is born and instantly has to fend for herself, regularly hiding when eagles and badgers attack. She sees many of her family die before she's two. One day her herd finish eating all the grass in the field they call home so are forced to find a new home, but they can't find one and more cows die due to starvation. Then one day a big gust of wind blows Jess over and she dies due to the fact she can't get up.

Jim on the other hand is born into a safe environment. For the first few years of his life she sees his family being led into a big barn once a day, they come out looking pleased/violated (as anyone would if they got groped). He sees a few cows a year just dissapear, he is fed well, plenty of grass and a trough of food a day, when the grass runs out he is led to another field full of new greener grass and when he falls over/tipped by drunken youths he is picked up the next day by a man in a straw hat. This man will later be the one who gropes/milks him, but the cow is so indebted to the farmer that he lets him treat him like this. When it rains Jim just trundles off to a big tin roof and shelters. Then one day instead of being led to the barn he's lead to the slaughter house to become a martyr (he's not really a martyr, it just makes it sound better). But still he has lead a safe, luxurious life, the price he has had to pay is death. Jess on the other hand has led a life fraught with danger and has had to fend for herself.

Cows and sheep are so utterly useless that we may aswell breed them and eat them as if we didn't they'd become extinct and everyone (probably veggies) would be up in arms that we didn't do anything to save them, ignoring the fact that by eating them we're actually saving them. Notice how all the endangered species on the planet don't feature in many peoples diet? Amazing that, we look after our food, nothing we could do to a cow or sheep is worse than what would happen to them if they were in the wild. I happen to know that lions love the taste of sheep.

Just to rub it in I recently read something about the supply of vegetables. Apparently the heatwave we're having as caused disastrous harvests of almost every vegetable. Simple economics suggest that the price will rise as supply is decreased. Hence veggies will have to pay more to eat, or switch allegiances!

 

Women should spend more time in the kitchen! Contreversial I know, but hear me out.

I've been reading a book called Freakonomics. It's very interesting and I'd recommend it to anyone, it basically offers you an alternative way of looking at things by looking past the accepted truth and looking into statistics to get the real picture.

With this in mind I thought, why are women getting more violent? This fact is backed up by literally every newspaper and research into the subject ever. The usual reasons given are: poverty, family situation, academic incompetence, imitating men and even the branding of alcohol to make it appeal to younger women. I'm sure all of these have a small input, but I reckon the real reason is that women don't do enough cooking. Let's look at the proof. In recent years there has been an upsurge in feminism and womens rights who have attacked the general consensus that a womens place is in the kitchen and hence many women have made their husbands cook (with undoubtedly disastrous results). Also, women have been entering the workplace at a faster rate than ever before and hence don't have enough time to cook for their family, often getting others to cook or making a half-arsed attempt at cooking a microwave meal. This has two consequences, women are more stressed, the kitchen is a great place to relieve stress, you can chop things and boil things, it's perfect. Also men are getting hungry (which handily explains the rise in male violence). As an example of this I will use a random member of Girls Aloud, shall we say Cheryl Tweedy and my mum. Now my mum cooks, it's often very nice and consequently she has never been involved in a violent attack on a woman in a club toilet. Now, Cheryl Tweedy undoubtedly doesn't cook often enough, she's on tour all the time, probably eats at restaurants or gets a 'rider' at the venue, and even whebn this doesn't happen she probably gets the ginger one to cook. Now she has been involved in an altercation in a night club toilet. I rest my case.

 

That word is the most under-rated word ever. It just makes any two words sound better. You need two nouns, one which can describe the other (ish). For example wax house, doesn't sound particularly good does it. Now switch the word order and stick an of in and. . . . House OF Wax. Other examples: Pain world, justice ring and hesselink venegoor. i put the last one in because there is a footballer who is called Jan venegoor of Hesselink!!! How ace is that? With that in mind I'm thinking of giving my child the middle name of Of, so it'd be Shannon Of Shannon, or Tarzan Of Shannon, or Summer Of Shannon (my new favourite).