I watched the opening night of Big Borother last week, I still slap myself occasionally for being so stupid. All the contestants are a bunch of attention seeking celebrity wannabees. With the exception of the winners there have been no successful BB contestants, Jade and Helen were not successful, they were objects of ridicule. Here is my opinion of each of the new housemates so if you haven't seen it yet you can catch up easily.

Anoushka - Stupid name, stupid person, probably the most attention seeking. Dumbass

Cameron - What's with the stupid names. Dumbass

Frederico - Italian I think, I didn't really care because he's a dumbass.

Gos - What sort of a name is that? Dumbass

Jon - Sensible name, he's still a dumbass

Justine - Don't care. Dumbass, I think you get the picture, they all irritate me intently. The thing that annoys me is that I will end up watching this show, I will ensure that I find some way of punishing myself for watching (Any ideas?).

The new series got me thinking, how would I do in the Big Brother house? I don't think you need me to tell you that I would rule utterly and completely, all the housemates would bow down to me and my superior everything. However I reckon that they'd all nominate me behind my back as I would be showing their stupidity all the time and laughing at them for being dumbasses. i'd never do any chores and I'm not going anywhere near the chickens unless I'm sent to kill one for tea. I'd wake everyone up in the morning as I can't sleep. Being by far the smartest I'd be put in charge of the shopping and therefore we'd end up with a LOT of bananas and cookies. I'd always sing, as not listening to music for longer than an hour gets tough, consequently the public would love me and when I have to leave (undoubtedly as winner), I'd be given a record deal. I would be the only person who never goes to the diary room, it's a waste of time, Big Brother would call me and that's the only time I'd go in, and if BB had a girls voice (He often does), I'd refuse to speak until I spoke to someone who could conceivably be my big brother. I think that covers most things. it may be worth pointing out that i don't actually want to be in Big Brother I am merely speculating about what would happen if they accidently put me in.

 

People often ask me what a dumbass is and if they are one. Usually I say something along the lines of "You are a dumbass, figure it out". However I am in a good mood and have decided to answer this question properly. Firstly a dumbass is a stupid person whose sole purpose is to annoy me. Secondly I have devised a genius scheme, all you need to do is count up all the statements below which apply to you. if you can't count then skip to the end and your score was 30. At the end is a conversion table so you can see if you are a dumbass. Enjoy!

 

1) You have ever used the phrase "I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on", your head isn't screwed on anyway! Try unscrewing it if you don't believe me.

2)You keep a diary (or plan out your time in meticulous detail in advance).

3) You buy a broadsheet and don't read most of it.

4) You use the phrases "It's all gravy" and "Bo selecta!" regularly.

5) You say "mate" to people you've never met before.

6) You are female.

7) You've ever put on clothes inside out (even for a short while).

8) You walk into objects with alarming regularity.

9) You take out two knives/forks and don't notice until you're about to eat.

10) You like Shaggy.

11) You take Busted (and their lyrics) seriously.

12) You think Linkin Park are heavy metal.

13) You take advice from your horoscope.

14) You have appeared on a reality TV show.

15) You watch soaps regularly.

16) You had a tamagotchi and didn't repeatedly mistreat it.

17) You are American.

18) You claim to love films you didn't understand.

19) You shop at Sainsburys and don't buy their cookies.

20) You own a pet that isn't a primate.

21) You find Graham Norton anything other than irritating.

22) You dislike monkeys.

23) You cried during Titanic.

24) You like FCUK clothes and think that the FCUK bit is rebellious.

25) You've ever made a joke involving a cat and a (computer) mouse.

26) One of these films is not the funniest you have ever seen: Baseketball, Dogma, Happy Gilmore, Scary Movie, South Park.

27) You brag about seeing a film x many times. you think this will make you cool, it doesn't, it makes you look sad and pathetic.

28) You've never spectacularily failed an unimportant exam.

29) You link ODing to death, neglecting the fact it stands for overdose, not lethal dose.

30) You have stupid children.

 

If you had to keep a tally to count up your score add another 3 points. If you were counting in your head but lost count midway through then award yourself an extra 2 points.

 

0-5 Like me you are not perfect, I think this is an acceptable level of dumbness, just be careful that you don't catch stupid from others.

6-10 Not bad, need improvement, if you walked into a room, chances are you'd be one of the least dumb there.

11-20 Hang your head in shame, you probably tried unscrewing your head at the beginning, you fool.

21-30 Leave my site now, you sicken me with your stupidity. I never want to meet anyone like you.

31+ Move to Texas. Stupidity is rife there apparently, you'll fit right in.